Oh, this is MY body!

Today I went to the gym for the first time post-pregancy. Thankfully a friend of ours volunteered to watch the Bean for 45 minutes while I hit the law school gym. Many things ran through my head while on the treadmill. Here is a selection in no particular order:

*Oh wow I need a different sports bra. This one that has been holding the big girls up while hanging out around the house is NOT gonna do it for running. I miss the little girls. I hope they come back some day.

*Holy crap. This running business is difficult. Wait, nothing is harder than birthing a baby. I can do this!

*Well, I CAN do this, but I don't HAVE to do this. I HAD to birth the Bean.

*Hey, my legs are moving and my arms are swinging. I'm not carrying a baby. This is just all me working here. This feels great!

Most of all it felt great to have my body all to myself for a few minutes. So much of being pregnant and nursing is about being a vehicle for what your baby needs. It was a breath of fresh air to return to something that was about my body working for me. Don't get me wrong, I certainly love being able to give the Bean what she needs; I also love a 45 minute break from it.

Baby aside, I have a lot of work to do in the running department. It wasn't quite as bad as when I first started to run. Although it might be, but now I know what my body is capable of and I know that this lack of fitness is only temporary. It is actually pretty exciting to be at ground zero again and have to work my way back up. I probably won't be running a marathon anytime soon, but there is certainly a 5k with my name all over it!

(Finishing a half-marathon in May 2009)

Ready for my close up

I've always been one to get out of bed and out the door pretty quickly while looking nicely put together (if you disagree, keep it to yourself). Being a new parent, however has made me adjust my standard level of "readiness" for the day. The look is directly related to the night before. Let me break this down for you:

"Wow, you just had a baby?! You don't look it. Good for you!"

This is the gold standard, pre-baby look. My hair is blow dried, my bangs sweep to the side. Face moisturizer has been applied. There is a touch of mascara, blush, and lip gloss, the perfect amount really. My contacts are fresh and in my eyes. I have even managed a spritz of perfume. I am wearing pre-pregancy clothes from head to toe. I am wearing pearls. I am one HOT MOM. You should know right now that this has occurred once, maybe twice in the last five weeks.

"Hey, you look nice. Not tired at all."

Hair is blow dried, bangs off forehead with one strategically placed bobby pin. Mascara? Check! I've got my glasses on. Cute jeans, cami, cardigan. Deodorant has been applied.

"How are you feeling? Look at how cute your baby is." (note the diversion to the baby)

My hair will just have to air-dry. If I add a couple of clips it will be decent. Glasses. Maternity jeans. They just go on so easily... hooray for the secret fit expand-o belly waist! Cami, Grandma Nita's comfy sweater (hey, chunky sweaters are in season, right?). I look okay without makeup, right? "Honey, have you seen my glasses?" Oh, here they are on my face.

"Ma'am, you need some help." (Actually said to me by a stranger yesterday while on a walk with the stroller and dog)

Hair is totally wet and is being held off of my face with 4 clips placed at random and a rubber band. Where the hell are my glasses?! Sweats, old race T-shirt (I was a runner once). Did I brush my teeth?

I like to think I hover between the second and third level. If you happen to see me in the last look, don't worry. I know. There is no need to be a good friend and tell me. Yesterday I caught my reflection in the window and thought I looked like a homeless person. By 10pm I was covered in breast milk, spit-up, snot, tears, and dog saliva. Yesterday was not one of my better days. But it is on those of days when the Bean is cuter than ever and my heart melts when I look down at her. Totally worth it.

Online Shopping

I never thought I would be an online shopper. In fact, I would not say that I am now, however...

Yesterday I was introduced to zulily.com which has amazing sales on wonderful baby, kid, mom stuff. Brands and things that I didn't even know existed. It has only been one day, but I think I will become addicted! They have new sales everyday which is brilliant marketing on their part. I now have no choice but to go look every day!

The first thing I purchased today was a MUST. Our inspiration for the Bean's nursery is A Midsummer Night's Dream. So what did I find at zulily today? The perfect picture! It is even called Midsummer Night's Dream. Did I mention that the nursery is green and lavender? It's like this picture was made for Bean. I couldn't exactly pass that one up, right? AND it was only $14.99 (originally $30.00).

Then I decided to buy one FuzziBunz cloth diaper. Yes, just one. I thought I could try it out without committing to the whole process. This deal: $11.99, regularly $17.00.

Online shopping takes an incredible amount of self control. I have every intension of just window shopping. We'll see how that goes.

Holy Aching Body, Batman!

Oh my word. The first few days of mommy-dom had me thinking that the little kinks in my back were cute. "Oh, my back is a little sore from picking up the Bean. Isn't that sweet?" Ha! Let us count the aches and pains three weeks into my new role:

1. lower back (from carrying her and bending toward her)

2. upper back (from carrying her and bending toward her)

3. knees (from sitting funny when I feed her)

4. neck (from looking at her when I feed her)

5. jaw... this one is REALLY weird. I deduced that my jaw juts forward when I look at her as I feed her. The gravity pulls it down. The other day my teeth did not line up correctly when I ate. I think I've figure out how to keep this from happening anymore.

6. wrists (from holding her in various positions)

7. thumbs (still not sure about this one)

I think the biggest culprit is the feeding. I'm still looking for that perfect way to hold her while she eats. I think I've hit upon a good position, but it only worked once. The real test will be if it works in the middle of the night. Since she is getting a little heavier (9 lbs.) the original position for feeding a 7.5 lbs. baby does not seem to do it anymore. Who would have thought a pound and a half would make that big of a difference? I can only imagine when she is twenty pounds. Although by then she will have control of her head. I think the lack of developed neck muscles is the challenging part. I also think the 1.5 lbs. that she has gained are all in her cheeks and neck (note the picture above). So that, paired with her wobbly muscles, make it a little difficult to position her head correctly. Have no fear... I have scheduled a massage for tomorrow. Also on the agenda, figure out how to use the wrap and strap her to my chest from now on. Done whining.

I think this little person is amazing! We just giggle and laugh at the smallest things. This morning we watched her stretch as she woke up. It was just so HUMAN! I know that sounds silly. It is so cool to see her do things that I know she will continue to do as a child, teenager, and adult. Like the way she stretches first thing in the morning. Or the way her little right hand makes a fist and rests by her cheek when she sleeps. We have a sonogram picture of her in the same position. That is just so cool to me! I also love the weird noises she makes when she sleeps. The first couple of nights I remember wondering if each noise she made was good or bad. Now it is so nice to know the sounds. The weird gurgling...the little dolphin noise.... the straining noise that accompanies a big stretch... all of these are normal now and no longer cause for alarm. It's like I'm learning or something.

Alright, off to fold laundry and enjoy a glass of wine while the Bean is still asleep.

Seriously, I need to relax

I keep waiting for this mythological schedule to reveal itself. I have heard from more than one person, "Give it a couple of weeks and the two of you will come to learn her schedule." Bull-own-ee. There have been several 2-3 day stretches when I think, "Ah-ha! I've got this now." And then The Bean changes it up. Today's latest concern... how often she is eating. About a week ago I was worried because she was eating every 3-4 hours when all of the smart baby people (doctors, nurses, moms) said she should be eating every 2-3 hours. So I'm thinking, "Great. I'm not feeding her enough." No, no, no, new mom! The amazing weight gain proved otherwise! Sweet, my baby doesn't need to eat so often and she will still grow at a great rate.

Fast forward to three days later.... The Bean cannot get enough milk! She is crying every hour and a half for more milk. I can't keep up. I walk around topless just waiting for her to cry. She cries so we quickly go through the list... Diaper? Clean. Burps and toots. Not happening. Oh my god! She is already hungry again. Good thing I'm topless. So at her 2 week check up I mention how often she is eating. The amazing doctor who we love says to try a pacifier to see if you can stretch out that last half hour. Cool, Doc. Let's do it. Pacifier is AWESOME by the way.

Here we are today. I wake up thinking, "Okay, I've got this. She's going to be hungry and we will stretch out to two hours with the Pacifier. Got it." NO, I DON'T. The Bean wakes up at 7:00 AM wanting some breakfast. Okay, cool. Nope, she won't eat for more than 5 minutes. So I go pump thinking she will want it in a half hour or so. Nope, she doesn't. Two hours go by and I'm thinking, "Man she really needs to eat!" So I slowly give her the bottle. It takes her an hour to finish it. So I quickly do the math... she has had the amount of one feeding in the last five hours! Yikes, that is really not enough. It is now, 12:30 P.M. Time for more eating. she is dead asleep. I'm not waking her up because that never works. I guess we are back to the 3-4 hour stretches of not eating.

Damn, just when I thought I'd figured this all out.

I v. Mommy

This is going to be quick. I am on borrowed feeding time.

I have always been annoyed with people who speak in the third person. Somehow in the last 16 days I have become that person. It is no longer, "I need coffee." Now it is, "Mommy needs coffee," and "What should Mommy wear today?"

What is that about?

Trial and Error

This will come as no surprise to those of you who are already parents, but this parenting thing is just make-it-up-as-you-go. All of those times our parents made decisions or disciplined us... I'm pretty sure they did not know what they were doing those first few times. They just made it up and waited to see if it worked. I'll tell you what does not work: Feeding the baby for 5 or 6 minutes just to buy yourself 30 more minutes of sleep. It's the parenting equivalent to hitting the snooze alarm. It is not going to be any easier to get up 18 minutes from the first time that alarm goes off. Likewise, those 30 minutes of sleep I just bought myself costs me 5 more minutes of feeding when I wake up. Plus, now I have no idea when she really should eat next. I have this handy little clock thing that has buttons to track how long it has been since she last ate. Ideally she should be eating every 2-3 (or 4) hours. When I feed her the 5-minute snooze alarm snack she wakes up crying for more food several times with in that two hour window. So should I push the little clock thing every time she snacks and hope that it will add up in her stomach and eventually get her through a two hour window. NO! I must give up and realize that the snacks were a HORRIBLE idea. The next time she cries for food I am going to feed her brains out with a bottle and pray that I've erased the snacking idea from her memory. The bottle is a whole other story. Wanna hear it? Okay....

So speaking of trial and error, we have given her maybe one bottle every other day. (Don't freakout out you hardcore breastfeeding people, it is still my milk. I haven't abandoned breastfeeding.) Usually it is my wonderful husband who gives her the bottle and in turn gives me a break. Yesterday, I gave her the bottle myself because she was only feeding for five minutes and then falling asleep. I wanted to see if she would stay awake for a whole bottle. Oh, man, did she stay awake. It was amazing! There was no struggle to latch. Nobody cried. She just drank and then burped and everyone was happy! Now I'm thinking, "Hey, wait a minute. This is way easier than feeding her directly from the source." That was followed quickly by the thought, "Am I a horrible mother if I feed her from a bottle?" Then I hear all of those hardcore people saying, "Make sure you give it at least 3 weeks. You are both learning. Blah, blah, blah..." Ugh. So now what do I do? I've also heard something about confusing the baby. Something like the baby will get confused between the natural nipple and the bottle nipple. WHAT?! "Confused" as in she will stop eating all together? A nurse said, it is the difference between drinking from the side of the cup and drinking from a straw (the bottle being the straw). Well, let me ask all of you, which do you prefer? I personally really, truly enjoy drinking from a straw. Who cares if she drinks from a "straw?" Is she drinking? Is she happy? I'm not seeing how this makes me a bad mother.

At the end of the proverbial day aren't we all just making things up as we go? Mom A is giving Mom B advice based on her experience and her baby. But each mom and each baby is totally different and has different needs. I know that I am imposing all of this judgement on myself and I know I need to just step back and do what I think is best. I just like to do things RIGHT (I know, this is no big surprise). But I am quickly learning that there is no Right Way here folks. Just our way.

Okay, she is starting to fuss. The milk clock says its been 50 minutes from her last snack, but it has probably been two hours since her first snack. Wow, that was a bad decision. We won't be making that one again.

Minutes v. Moments

I have been a mom for one week now. Some of you are probably sick of me saying this, but this is the toughest thing I have ever done. For years I've heard people say, "You can wait to have kids, but you will never be ready." I thought, "Sure you can! Being ready just means at the point in your life when you are ready to take that next step and build your family, right?" WRONG! Listen to me childless-people YOU CAN NEVER BE READY! That being said (shouted) it is also the most amazing thing to look at my little baby and think, "I grew that!" Between crying from exhaustion/hormones I discovered that my new life as a mom has become a showdown between minutes and moments. The minutes can drive me crazy. The moments keep me sane.

MINUTES

How many more until she needs to eat?

How many did she eat for on the left/right side?

What time did I feed her again?

How long has she been asleep?

When will she wake up?

Is it time to change her diaper?

I JUST changed her diaper. How can it be time to do that again?!

These questions can spin around in my head on a 2-3 hour loop. Once she has done her three things (eat, sleep, poop) she starts it all over again. There have been several days of new-mom-zombie face caused by minutes swarming in my head.

MOMENTS

Smelling her skin

Gently rubbing my cheek against her furry little head

Seeing her big eyes open and look around

Holding her while she sleeps against my chest

Her perfect little mouth, nose, cheeks, ears, fingers, toes

Rocking her to sleep and singing "You Are My Sunshine"

Seeing Bill hold her, feed her, change her, love her just as much as I do

These are the things that fill my heart and make me cry a little bit just thinking about them. The crying is part hormones, but mostly just me. How is it possible to love her so much? And to love her more every day?

Right at this moment, the dog and husband and baby are asleep. The house is quiet. I've had my coffee and breakfast (which doesn't always happen). Lily is asleep in her little bouncy seat next to me. This is a lovely moment. I know that there are only a few more minutes until she wakes up and I'll need to change her diaper, but right now I'm going to enjoy the moment.

It looks like a baby.

For those of you who have not heard the news (or read it on facebook), I am pregnant. 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant. This is good. I'm out of the "danger zone" and I haven't wanted to puke in over 5 weeks and I've been able to stay up until 9 o'clock this week!
I'm getting to the point where all of my pants still fit but I HATE all of my tops. They are all just a little to snug. This was also a little bit exciting when I thought it was the beginning of my baby bump. Then my doctor informed me that the bump will be much lower in my abdomen and that the "bump" making my clothes snug was actually the result of my not running very much anymore. He said, "I'd like to tell you otherwise, but those are just your muscles getting out of shape." HA! I think deep down I knew that. I'm going to embrace it anyway.
This leads me to the admitting that I have not, in fact, been running very often. I vasilate between total guilt and complete indulgence. It is starting to even out now. I've told myself that once the play is over at school (next weekend) I will in fact go back to my running group. I miss my friends there anyway so it will be social and good for me. The "good" news is that all of my doctors have said not to run hard, and the last doc actually said to just walk. So at least I don't have to work too hard. Wow.... lazy!!


The best thing that happend last week is that I had an ultrasound and the fetus has a face and arms and legs and does not just look like a lump of goo. Up until then I had seen the heart beat in the little blob and then I heard the heart beat, but this was the first time it actually looked like a person. At that moment, I was truly excited. I also realize I had been lying to people up until that point about being excited. I'd always say, "Yeah, we're scared but excited." No. That was not true. Up until last week I think I was saying what people wanted to hear. Because those first three months are very surreal. It was very difficult to have an emotional reaction other than WTF have we done?! But now it looks like a baby. I think it has Bill's nose. I'll let you be the judge.
So that is all for now. I will be a little better about posting things now that everyone can know about the baby.

Testing, testing....

Welcome to On The Road. Here you will discover all sorts of tidbits about me and this life I lead in the D.C. area. Let's begin.

10 things to know about me this minute in no particular order:

10. I'm hungry.

9. I love it when I get to wear knit skirts in the sunshine.

8. Peanut sleeps a lot! (Okay, that is not so much about me as it is about my dog)

7. Too much time off makes me antsy.

6. I'm trying to stop biting my nails... again.

5. I'm going to the track tonight where I will run with my friends.

4. I bought new flip-flops yesterday after discovering that I threw all of my old ones away.

3. I hate my bed. Do those tempurpedic beds feel as good as they look?

2. I should really put my clothes away.

1. I'm really looking forward to the trees in the courtyard being in full bloom. It is only a day or two away... I can feel it.