Seriously, I need to relax

I keep waiting for this mythological schedule to reveal itself. I have heard from more than one person, "Give it a couple of weeks and the two of you will come to learn her schedule." Bull-own-ee. There have been several 2-3 day stretches when I think, "Ah-ha! I've got this now." And then The Bean changes it up. Today's latest concern... how often she is eating. About a week ago I was worried because she was eating every 3-4 hours when all of the smart baby people (doctors, nurses, moms) said she should be eating every 2-3 hours. So I'm thinking, "Great. I'm not feeding her enough." No, no, no, new mom! The amazing weight gain proved otherwise! Sweet, my baby doesn't need to eat so often and she will still grow at a great rate.

Fast forward to three days later.... The Bean cannot get enough milk! She is crying every hour and a half for more milk. I can't keep up. I walk around topless just waiting for her to cry. She cries so we quickly go through the list... Diaper? Clean. Burps and toots. Not happening. Oh my god! She is already hungry again. Good thing I'm topless. So at her 2 week check up I mention how often she is eating. The amazing doctor who we love says to try a pacifier to see if you can stretch out that last half hour. Cool, Doc. Let's do it. Pacifier is AWESOME by the way.

Here we are today. I wake up thinking, "Okay, I've got this. She's going to be hungry and we will stretch out to two hours with the Pacifier. Got it." NO, I DON'T. The Bean wakes up at 7:00 AM wanting some breakfast. Okay, cool. Nope, she won't eat for more than 5 minutes. So I go pump thinking she will want it in a half hour or so. Nope, she doesn't. Two hours go by and I'm thinking, "Man she really needs to eat!" So I slowly give her the bottle. It takes her an hour to finish it. So I quickly do the math... she has had the amount of one feeding in the last five hours! Yikes, that is really not enough. It is now, 12:30 P.M. Time for more eating. she is dead asleep. I'm not waking her up because that never works. I guess we are back to the 3-4 hour stretches of not eating.

Damn, just when I thought I'd figured this all out.