I have been a mom for one week now. Some of you are probably sick of me saying this, but this is the toughest thing I have ever done. For years I've heard people say, "You can wait to have kids, but you will never be ready." I thought, "Sure you can! Being ready just means at the point in your life when you are ready to take that next step and build your family, right?" WRONG! Listen to me childless-people YOU CAN NEVER BE READY! That being said (shouted) it is also the most amazing thing to look at my little baby and think, "I grew that!" Between crying from exhaustion/hormones I discovered that my new life as a mom has become a showdown between minutes and moments. The minutes can drive me crazy. The moments keep me sane.
How many more until she needs to eat?
How many did she eat for on the left/right side?
What time did I feed her again?
How long has she been asleep?
When will she wake up?
Is it time to change her diaper?
I JUST changed her diaper. How can it be time to do that again?!
These questions can spin around in my head on a 2-3 hour loop. Once she has done her three things (eat, sleep, poop) she starts it all over again. There have been several days of new-mom-zombie face caused by minutes swarming in my head.
Smelling her skin
Gently rubbing my cheek against her furry little head
Seeing her big eyes open and look around
Holding her while she sleeps against my chest
Her perfect little mouth, nose, cheeks, ears, fingers, toes
Rocking her to sleep and singing "You Are My Sunshine"
Seeing Bill hold her, feed her, change her, love her just as much as I do
These are the things that fill my heart and make me cry a little bit just thinking about them. The crying is part hormones, but mostly just me. How is it possible to love her so much? And to love her more every day?
Right at this moment, the dog and husband and baby are asleep. The house is quiet. I've had my coffee and breakfast (which doesn't always happen). Lily is asleep in her little bouncy seat next to me. This is a lovely moment. I know that there are only a few more minutes until she wakes up and I'll need to change her diaper, but right now I'm going to enjoy the moment.