Holy Aching Body, Batman!

Oh my word. The first few days of mommy-dom had me thinking that the little kinks in my back were cute. "Oh, my back is a little sore from picking up the Bean. Isn't that sweet?" Ha! Let us count the aches and pains three weeks into my new role:

1. lower back (from carrying her and bending toward her)

2. upper back (from carrying her and bending toward her)

3. knees (from sitting funny when I feed her)

4. neck (from looking at her when I feed her)

5. jaw... this one is REALLY weird. I deduced that my jaw juts forward when I look at her as I feed her. The gravity pulls it down. The other day my teeth did not line up correctly when I ate. I think I've figure out how to keep this from happening anymore.

6. wrists (from holding her in various positions)

7. thumbs (still not sure about this one)

I think the biggest culprit is the feeding. I'm still looking for that perfect way to hold her while she eats. I think I've hit upon a good position, but it only worked once. The real test will be if it works in the middle of the night. Since she is getting a little heavier (9 lbs.) the original position for feeding a 7.5 lbs. baby does not seem to do it anymore. Who would have thought a pound and a half would make that big of a difference? I can only imagine when she is twenty pounds. Although by then she will have control of her head. I think the lack of developed neck muscles is the challenging part. I also think the 1.5 lbs. that she has gained are all in her cheeks and neck (note the picture above). So that, paired with her wobbly muscles, make it a little difficult to position her head correctly. Have no fear... I have scheduled a massage for tomorrow. Also on the agenda, figure out how to use the wrap and strap her to my chest from now on. Done whining.

I think this little person is amazing! We just giggle and laugh at the smallest things. This morning we watched her stretch as she woke up. It was just so HUMAN! I know that sounds silly. It is so cool to see her do things that I know she will continue to do as a child, teenager, and adult. Like the way she stretches first thing in the morning. Or the way her little right hand makes a fist and rests by her cheek when she sleeps. We have a sonogram picture of her in the same position. That is just so cool to me! I also love the weird noises she makes when she sleeps. The first couple of nights I remember wondering if each noise she made was good or bad. Now it is so nice to know the sounds. The weird gurgling...the little dolphin noise.... the straining noise that accompanies a big stretch... all of these are normal now and no longer cause for alarm. It's like I'm learning or something.

Alright, off to fold laundry and enjoy a glass of wine while the Bean is still asleep.

Seriously, I need to relax

I keep waiting for this mythological schedule to reveal itself. I have heard from more than one person, "Give it a couple of weeks and the two of you will come to learn her schedule." Bull-own-ee. There have been several 2-3 day stretches when I think, "Ah-ha! I've got this now." And then The Bean changes it up. Today's latest concern... how often she is eating. About a week ago I was worried because she was eating every 3-4 hours when all of the smart baby people (doctors, nurses, moms) said she should be eating every 2-3 hours. So I'm thinking, "Great. I'm not feeding her enough." No, no, no, new mom! The amazing weight gain proved otherwise! Sweet, my baby doesn't need to eat so often and she will still grow at a great rate.

Fast forward to three days later.... The Bean cannot get enough milk! She is crying every hour and a half for more milk. I can't keep up. I walk around topless just waiting for her to cry. She cries so we quickly go through the list... Diaper? Clean. Burps and toots. Not happening. Oh my god! She is already hungry again. Good thing I'm topless. So at her 2 week check up I mention how often she is eating. The amazing doctor who we love says to try a pacifier to see if you can stretch out that last half hour. Cool, Doc. Let's do it. Pacifier is AWESOME by the way.

Here we are today. I wake up thinking, "Okay, I've got this. She's going to be hungry and we will stretch out to two hours with the Pacifier. Got it." NO, I DON'T. The Bean wakes up at 7:00 AM wanting some breakfast. Okay, cool. Nope, she won't eat for more than 5 minutes. So I go pump thinking she will want it in a half hour or so. Nope, she doesn't. Two hours go by and I'm thinking, "Man she really needs to eat!" So I slowly give her the bottle. It takes her an hour to finish it. So I quickly do the math... she has had the amount of one feeding in the last five hours! Yikes, that is really not enough. It is now, 12:30 P.M. Time for more eating. she is dead asleep. I'm not waking her up because that never works. I guess we are back to the 3-4 hour stretches of not eating.

Damn, just when I thought I'd figured this all out.

I v. Mommy

This is going to be quick. I am on borrowed feeding time.

I have always been annoyed with people who speak in the third person. Somehow in the last 16 days I have become that person. It is no longer, "I need coffee." Now it is, "Mommy needs coffee," and "What should Mommy wear today?"

What is that about?

Trial and Error

This will come as no surprise to those of you who are already parents, but this parenting thing is just make-it-up-as-you-go. All of those times our parents made decisions or disciplined us... I'm pretty sure they did not know what they were doing those first few times. They just made it up and waited to see if it worked. I'll tell you what does not work: Feeding the baby for 5 or 6 minutes just to buy yourself 30 more minutes of sleep. It's the parenting equivalent to hitting the snooze alarm. It is not going to be any easier to get up 18 minutes from the first time that alarm goes off. Likewise, those 30 minutes of sleep I just bought myself costs me 5 more minutes of feeding when I wake up. Plus, now I have no idea when she really should eat next. I have this handy little clock thing that has buttons to track how long it has been since she last ate. Ideally she should be eating every 2-3 (or 4) hours. When I feed her the 5-minute snooze alarm snack she wakes up crying for more food several times with in that two hour window. So should I push the little clock thing every time she snacks and hope that it will add up in her stomach and eventually get her through a two hour window. NO! I must give up and realize that the snacks were a HORRIBLE idea. The next time she cries for food I am going to feed her brains out with a bottle and pray that I've erased the snacking idea from her memory. The bottle is a whole other story. Wanna hear it? Okay....

So speaking of trial and error, we have given her maybe one bottle every other day. (Don't freakout out you hardcore breastfeeding people, it is still my milk. I haven't abandoned breastfeeding.) Usually it is my wonderful husband who gives her the bottle and in turn gives me a break. Yesterday, I gave her the bottle myself because she was only feeding for five minutes and then falling asleep. I wanted to see if she would stay awake for a whole bottle. Oh, man, did she stay awake. It was amazing! There was no struggle to latch. Nobody cried. She just drank and then burped and everyone was happy! Now I'm thinking, "Hey, wait a minute. This is way easier than feeding her directly from the source." That was followed quickly by the thought, "Am I a horrible mother if I feed her from a bottle?" Then I hear all of those hardcore people saying, "Make sure you give it at least 3 weeks. You are both learning. Blah, blah, blah..." Ugh. So now what do I do? I've also heard something about confusing the baby. Something like the baby will get confused between the natural nipple and the bottle nipple. WHAT?! "Confused" as in she will stop eating all together? A nurse said, it is the difference between drinking from the side of the cup and drinking from a straw (the bottle being the straw). Well, let me ask all of you, which do you prefer? I personally really, truly enjoy drinking from a straw. Who cares if she drinks from a "straw?" Is she drinking? Is she happy? I'm not seeing how this makes me a bad mother.

At the end of the proverbial day aren't we all just making things up as we go? Mom A is giving Mom B advice based on her experience and her baby. But each mom and each baby is totally different and has different needs. I know that I am imposing all of this judgement on myself and I know I need to just step back and do what I think is best. I just like to do things RIGHT (I know, this is no big surprise). But I am quickly learning that there is no Right Way here folks. Just our way.

Okay, she is starting to fuss. The milk clock says its been 50 minutes from her last snack, but it has probably been two hours since her first snack. Wow, that was a bad decision. We won't be making that one again.

Minutes v. Moments

I have been a mom for one week now. Some of you are probably sick of me saying this, but this is the toughest thing I have ever done. For years I've heard people say, "You can wait to have kids, but you will never be ready." I thought, "Sure you can! Being ready just means at the point in your life when you are ready to take that next step and build your family, right?" WRONG! Listen to me childless-people YOU CAN NEVER BE READY! That being said (shouted) it is also the most amazing thing to look at my little baby and think, "I grew that!" Between crying from exhaustion/hormones I discovered that my new life as a mom has become a showdown between minutes and moments. The minutes can drive me crazy. The moments keep me sane.

MINUTES

How many more until she needs to eat?

How many did she eat for on the left/right side?

What time did I feed her again?

How long has she been asleep?

When will she wake up?

Is it time to change her diaper?

I JUST changed her diaper. How can it be time to do that again?!

These questions can spin around in my head on a 2-3 hour loop. Once she has done her three things (eat, sleep, poop) she starts it all over again. There have been several days of new-mom-zombie face caused by minutes swarming in my head.

MOMENTS

Smelling her skin

Gently rubbing my cheek against her furry little head

Seeing her big eyes open and look around

Holding her while she sleeps against my chest

Her perfect little mouth, nose, cheeks, ears, fingers, toes

Rocking her to sleep and singing "You Are My Sunshine"

Seeing Bill hold her, feed her, change her, love her just as much as I do

These are the things that fill my heart and make me cry a little bit just thinking about them. The crying is part hormones, but mostly just me. How is it possible to love her so much? And to love her more every day?

Right at this moment, the dog and husband and baby are asleep. The house is quiet. I've had my coffee and breakfast (which doesn't always happen). Lily is asleep in her little bouncy seat next to me. This is a lovely moment. I know that there are only a few more minutes until she wakes up and I'll need to change her diaper, but right now I'm going to enjoy the moment.